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Have you ever wondered to yourself, how can I have delicious sexual intercourse without blowing my student budget?

Well my friends, I have searched the internet high and low for an incredible way to sweeten your bedroom antics using all natural and organic products to make a custom fit piece of fancy bedroom panties for both you and your partner to share.

I kid you not.  These instructions are real.  Please click here to see for yourself that I am not joking.  At all.

THINGS YOU NEED in order to create a delicious pair of knickers. Italics are my personal notes in order to get the best flavour.

  • 1 bushel red apples (organic free range and massaged are preferred)
  • 1 cup water (filtered from the alps)
  • 1 cup sugar (unrefined raw)
  • Large pot
  • Cooking spray
  • Baking sheet
  • Plastic wrap
  • Kitchen scissors
  • Pattern
  • Chopstick

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    How to make your undertheres.

    Make Apple Fruit Leather

    • 1 – Core, peel and slice a bushel of red apples and place them in a large stock pot.
    • 2 – Add 1 cup water and 1 cup sugar to the pot. Cover and boil until it resembles apple sauce.
    • 3 – Reduce the heat and simmer another 45 minutes.
    • 4 – Spray your baking sheets with cooking spray and spread the contents of the pot onto the sheets.
    • 5 – Place the baking sheets in a 140- to 150-degree oven. It takes 10 to 12 hours to dry the apple leather for your edible underwear.
    • 6 – Lay out your apple leather on plastic wrap to prevent it from sticking to your countertops. Lay another piece of plastic wrap over the top to keep it clean until your ready cut it.

    Cut Your Pattern

    • 1 – Lay your underwear pattern out over you apple leather and cut it out using the paper as a guide.
    • 2 – Cut your pattern out of the apple leather using the paper as a guide.
    • 3 – Line up your underwear pieces and use the pointed end of a chopstick to poke holes in both sides of the edible underwear.
    • 4 – Weave licorice through the holes in the edible underwear to "sew" it together.

    They go on to give helpful hints like “you can find underwear patterns at your local sewing store” and “fruit leather should be tacky, and tough.”

    No.  Because when I am wearing my underwear, I desire an immediate brazillian that leaves behind the fresh scent of autumn breezes because my do dads are sticky, and not tacky.

    Anyway. You’re welcome.